Since I got pregnant a few months ago I have been really unhappy with my body, and have struggled a bit with my weight – moreso than I ever have before.
It was like my body still thought I was pregnant, and expanded appropriately to hold a baby that was no longer there. It may sound a bit stupid or vacuous, but it made the whole thing a bit worse; my body was still acting pregnant but my brain knew it wasn’t, and I had to deal with feeling crappier with my body on top of struggling with the emotions of losing a baby.
I think for a while there I did get in the habit of drinking too much, too often, and at the same time was enjoying a pudding a bit too much. But really apart from those extra calories I was eating pretty well, and had started exercising again. I’ve always found that once I start exercising I tend to lose weight quickly and notice a difference within a very short period of time, but I can also seemingly put those bastard pounds on just as quickly.
These last few months have been weird though. I feel like I don’t look *massively* different; yes I’ve sure as hell put on a few pounds and I can see that, as I’m sure others can too (yep, thanks Dad), and I feel like I’ve got an extra few layers over my entire body. But it just seems to be getting worse instead of better. Things that fit me before my holiday in May/June don’t fit me now and I just can’t seem to work it out.
Yes, I ate too many profiteroles (the ones that come in those little individual pots and are smothered in chocolate from Lidl or Aldi), and yes I got into the habit of drinking an entire bottle of Prosecco every weekend and it got far too easy to drink that much. But other than that I have been eating really well, and also exercising. I know these are not at all good for me and I think I’d probably underestimated how much profiteroles could add inches to my body and cellulite to my thighs (helloooo pastry). But alas, I’ve stopped those dirty habits now. I’ve only had Prosecco a couple of times over the last month (and not a whole bottle), and haven’t touched (just looked longingly at) a profiterole once.
I’ve also really stepped up my exercising again and usually been working out 5 days a week. I’m back into Fitness Blender and noticing a difference, particularly on my waist, but I am finding it much harder this time. I’ve lost the consistency I had before, and despite seeing results quickly, I just want to be slimmer again and feel better about myself. I have never felt quite so shit about myself and my body and it keeps getting me right down. I seem to lose all my self-esteem when I’m a bit bigger and I feel like that is all anyone sees when they look at me. Obviously that’s not what I see when I look at anyone else, and I would never base my opinion on someone on their size, but I just feel like it really doesn’t suit me and it’s always on my mind. I think it would help if I could buy myself a (temporary) whole new wardrobe so that I didn’t end up feeling depressed every day when I try to find something out of my current wardrobe that fits me. Thinking you’ve lost a bit of weight and so stupidly trying those jeans on again and still not being able to get them even half way up your legs is bloody gut-wrenching I tell you.
I think the thing that I’m finding hardest is the fact that over the past few weeks I’ve been eating really well; making healthier breakfast and lunch choices, not eating anything crap in the evening and exercising regularly. I generally don’t eat crap, I drink loads of water, and look after myself. So I’m currently feeling a bit pissed off with the people who eat crap constantly, drink coke all day long, and remain slim. Yes, I’m bitter. I feel like I could accept it if I ate crap all the time, but I bloody don’t and it’s not fair *stamps feet*.
I feel like I should be much less wobbly for what I eat and the fact that I exercise, but maybe pastry just affects me more than the average (slim bastard) Joe. I keep wondering if there’s something else going on with my body though, like maybe it’s stress or hormones that are stopping me from losing weight. After all it has been one of the worst years of my life, but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse. Who knows. I’m trying to lower my stress levels, but it’s not always something you can control, is it. It’s not like I’ve put on loads of weight, but enough for me to not really feel like myself at the moment and I hate it.
I could cope if my body was like this after I’d had a baby. But I don’t have the baby or the slim legs and it’s fucking shit. I *know* that what we look like isn’t as important as all the other stuff, I know that, but unfortunately my confidence is very affected by it and I just think I look a bit crap with more weight on my bones. I think that everything that has happened this year probably also contributes a bit to how much it is affecting me, which is a shame.
I do wonder if I should maybe try and get some help for my confidence issues. I don’t think my weight should be so strongly correlated to my confidence levels, nor that it should affect pretty much everything that I do. But sadly it does.
But I’m going to keep working on it all, get fitter again, keep eating well and hopefully start to see more of a difference, and try and claw some of my confidence back.
This was more of a ramble that I had intended, and I’m not sure if it’s actually at all coherent or not. I’ve just got back from Big Feastival and I am insanely tired, achey and exhausted from all the walking and the sunshine! But I just wanted to get it all down because sometimes talking helps doesn’t it! It makes me feel a bit vulnerable talking about this and it’s not something I exactly want to draw attention to, but hey we’re all human right.