Before I became a mother for the first time I wanted to have my children quite close together in age. I had it in my head that when my firstborn was around two we would have another baby. Fast-forward to motherhood and an immense lack of sleep, plus everything not coming quite as naturally to me as I had thought it would, and another baby when Ava was two was definitely not happening.
I found motherhood a lot harder than I had thought I would and for a long time the thought of going through every single difficult bit with another child, at the same time as having a
lovely lively little girl was rather terrifying. It still is to be honest. But now that Ava is at nursery for fifteen hours a week, and by the time any baby came along she will be almost starting school, the idea of having another baby isn’t so horrifying. In fact it’s very exciting and lovely (but still terrifying too).
We decided a few months ago that after we got married in July and then went on our honeymoon in August/September that we would start trying again (I couldn’t not eat all that chorizo and drink all that Rioja in Spain!). And so we are back here again. It took us four years of trying, two rounds of successful IVF and a miscarriage to get our daughter (you can read more about that here if you’d like).
It seems as though whatever month you are at in your trying to conceive journey that as soon as you are actively ‘trying’, finding out you are not pregnant is a blow, whether that be the first or the fiftieth month. Of course it gets harder as time goes by, but the disappointment even in that first month is real. Even though I knew it was ridiculously unlikely, discovering I wasn’t pregnant this month took me right back to last time, slap bang in the middle of ‘I’m still not pregnant and my heart is aching’. It seriously felt like I had skipped back five years and was right there in the months upon months of disappointment and upset.
I know it’s silly, and I’m fine. I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant this month, but it was just a reminder of how I used to feel, and probably of how I’m going to feel over the next few months. In all likelihood I won’t get pregnant naturally, and although it would be absolutely incredible to find out that we had conceived, I know I can go through IVF again, I have that, our beautiful daughter was conceived through IVF and if all of my children are made that way too then that is ok by me. I have frozen embryos this time so I don’t have to go through quite as much at least, but I don’t how much the chances of success are reduced using frozen embryos yet. Also the money aspect scares me. We can’t afford to do it endless times.
I just feel like I’m in limbo a bit at the moment; waiting for a bit before we contact our clinic about doing IVF again. Also, the pressure is on slightly as Ava starts school next September and it’s probably not ideal to be due to give birth or have a newborn at that emotional time. We’ll see.
It’s nice this time to be able to talk about it, with friends, family, and you reading this (thank you). We kept it a secret from everyone that we were trying last time, and for four long years that was hard. Paul didn’t want everyone to know last time and I completely understood and was mostly ok with it. This time it feels more natural to talk about it, and it’s nice to have that freedom to chat about it when I need to.
I’m feeling positive about it all, if a little melancholy. It’s exciting and unpredictable, and I want to try and keep it that way; relaxed, positive, a ‘we’ll see what happens’ kind of way. No rush.
Linking up with Share With Me.