I want to be a better Mum

I want to be a better Mum

I’ve talked about it before. About feeling like a shit mum. People say I’m not of course. But I know I let her watch stupid and annoying YouTube videos on the iPad too much. I know I forget to brush her teeth sometimes. I know I sometimes pay more attention to my phone than to her.

And I hate myself for it.

I compare myself to all the other mums (and dads) doing it better.

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. I thought it would come naturally to me. I thought it was in my blood. Now I’m not so sure. I want more children, desperately, but I’m also terrified of going through all the tough bits again. Not living in the moment and enjoying the newborn snuggles in the middle of the night, but wishing my baby would sleep so that I could.

I wonder why.

Why I’d rather be working than playing with her.

Why I can’t just forget about all the things and people online that don’t matter.

She matters.

She matters more than I could ever explain and more than she will ever know.

But still I keep typing instead of spending that time with her.

I know I need to work. In my head I know that I want to work hard so that I can get to the point where I CAN spend quality time with her after school every day and not worry that I should be doing work.

And I know that what I am doing now means that I CAN take her to school every day and then pick her up; be there for every appointment and activity and show.

So why can’t I make myself ok with it?

I want to be a better Mum.

She knows how much I love her.

It is me who she runs to when she is hurt or upset.

I always give her tons of love and cuddles, no matter what I’m doing. I drop everything if she needs me.

I let her sit on my knee and spend five minutes trying to find the letter I want to type on the keyboard because she wants to help me.

I do all of these things, and yet I still can’t make myself believe that she is lucky to have me, that I am a decent mum.

I’ll keep working on it – being a good mum, and believing that I am.

Hopefully one day it will come.

I’ll keep trying until it does.

5 Comments

  1. November 9, 2016 / 10:22 am

    I feel like this too sometimes, you’re not alone. I wouldn’t be without all three though, obviously, you’d hope so, wouldn’t you!? I think it’s natural to feel like this, being a parent takes so much of you, so it’s hard not to feel torn. I know it’s not the same for every family, but I do feel that some men have it a lot easier. I realise you’re not meant to say that nowadays, but certainly in our family, I feel like my husband has had to sacrifice a lot less of himself through becoming a parent. He doesn’t have to fit his work in around the kids schedules and doesn’t have to think about making plans with friends, because I am always the one responsible for picking them up, feeding them, etc. He doesn’t worry about what they will have for birthdays, or Christmas, or planning parties, or playdates, or much else for that matter… Being a parent will always be the very best thing I have done with my life, I don’t question that, but sometimes it can be hard to balance that with other things you may want for yourself xxx

    • Keri Jones
      Twitter:
      November 9, 2016 / 2:03 pm

      I couldn’t have written this reply better myself! Totally agree with you here xx

  2. November 9, 2016 / 10:31 am

    I just came across your site, and I love it!
    My daughter is still too small (8 months old), but I am always looking for things to do with her when she’s a bit older

  3. nikheel
    November 10, 2016 / 12:41 pm

    I good parent will always be pushing themselves to be a even better parent!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge