I’ve talked about it before. About feeling like a shit mum. People say I’m not of course. But I know I let her watch stupid and annoying YouTube videos on the iPad too much. I know I forget to brush her teeth sometimes. I know I sometimes pay more attention to my phone than to her.
And I hate myself for it.
I compare myself to all the other mums (and dads) doing it better.
All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. I thought it would come naturally to me. I thought it was in my blood. Now I’m not so sure. I want more children, desperately, but I’m also terrified of going through all the tough bits again. Not living in the moment and enjoying the newborn snuggles in the middle of the night, but wishing my baby would sleep so that I could.
I wonder why.
Why I’d rather be working than playing with her.
Why I can’t just forget about all the things and people online that don’t matter.
She matters more than I could ever explain and more than she will ever know.
But still I keep typing instead of spending that time with her.
I know I need to work. In my head I know that I want to work hard so that I can get to the point where I CAN spend quality time with her after school every day and not worry that I should be doing work.
And I know that what I am doing now means that I CAN take her to school every day and then pick her up; be there for every appointment and activity and show.
So why can’t I make myself ok with it?
I want to be a better Mum.
She knows how much I love her.
It is me who she runs to when she is hurt or upset.
I always give her tons of love and cuddles, no matter what I’m doing. I drop everything if she needs me.
I let her sit on my knee and spend five minutes trying to find the letter I want to type on the keyboard because she wants to help me.
I do all of these things, and yet I still can’t make myself believe that she is lucky to have me, that I am a decent mum.
I’ll keep working on it – being a good mum, and believing that I am.
Hopefully one day it will come.
I’ll keep trying until it does.