School Days, School Daze

I’ve had a child at school for two months now. Only two months. It feels like about six months to be honest. At least. How blummin’ fast do the weeks go by? That’s kind of a good thing because then it’s the weekend again, but it means that time is going so fast and every week just feels like a total blur. I feel like I’m in a total daze constantly, and the weeks are just whizzing by.

I do feel like I’m starting to get used to the school days more this half term, but it’s still always a mad morning rush every weekday, and I can’t imagine it ever being any other way to be honest. Of course Ava will sleep until after 8am if I let her, unlike her awesome pre-7am wake-ups at the weekends sometimes. I know that ideally I would be getting up at 7am, but my gosh I just cannot seem to make myself stay awake before 7.30am. I bloody hate mornings. They make me cross.

This last week has been a total nightmare – Ava has been having a bit of trouble at school, and she’s getting really upset every night before bed when she’s thinking about the next day, and every morning when we’re getting ready for school.

I was always so grateful when I saw those mothers with the screaming kid in their arms who didn’t want to leave them. I always thought it must be so hard, and I was so grateful that Ava mostly ran off to play with her friends straight away every day. I can confirm it is so hard. Worse than I imagined actually. I knew it wouldn’t be nice, but I kind of thought that it would be ok because I knew she would be okay once I left, and that she would be looked after well.

But actually, leaving your four year old screaming her absolute head off, genuinely upset and scared about her day at school, and feeling like you are abandoning her, is really really shitty.

Today that happened, after I pretty much had to drag her out the front door and shoehorn her into her car seat, and then pick her up out of the car as she tried to escape my clutches and escape to the other side of the car.

After one of her teachers came to get her, I literally had to peel her off me and leave her crying her eyes out because she was worried about lunchtime and her friends not being nice to her, and a teacher that she doesn’t like, and I had to walk away from my baby girl and leave her with someone else.

Sometimes she just feels too young for all this.

I got into my car and I cried and messaged my friends.

I was thinking about it all yesterday, and I was thinking how you think all the sleepless nights and the thousand nappy changes and the screaming baby is hard, and of course it is. But then they get to this age and it really changes and the challenges are different, but they’re still there and they are way more emotional and tough to physically deal with. I’ve been at a loss as to what to do and what to say to her numerous times over the last few days. She has to go to school. I have to force my incredibly nice and kind four year old daughter to go to school when she really really really doesn’t want to. It feels really shit.

In my head I feel worse about it because I went to the same primary school Ava goes to now. I was bullied and my mum used to have to literally drag me to school. Part of the reason I really didn’t want her to go to this school (it was our third choice) was because I hated being there and don’t have fond memories of my time there. But despite my heart feeling like that, my head rationally knew that my experience wouldn’t affect her experience. Except now a similar thing is happening and I’m finding it so hard.

I’ve thought many times since becoming a mother how hard it must have been for my lovely mum to have to make me go to school every day, when I was terrified and upset and spending my days there feeling like shit.

This is not quite the same – Ava isn’t being bullied; they’re only four and five for heavens sake, but she has been picked on a little bit and things have happened with her friends that have really upset her. I don’t think they realise or mean to upset her, but it’s happening and I hate it. Suddenly not being able to protect your child from hurt is bloody difficult and hard to accept.

I know things will get better, I’ll make sure they do. I think it’s just a matter of time passing – but it’s bloody hard living through it each day until that happens.

Have you found the school days hard? Have you ever had to deal with anything like this? Please share any advice you have if so!