Why I Feel Differently About My Miscarriage

On Thursday it was Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day. Facebook was filled with pictures of candles that people had lit in honour of the babies that have gone too soon.

Why I Feel Differently About Miscarriage Birds and Lilies

Before I had my three year old daughter I got pregnant after having my first round of IVF. We had been trying to have a baby for four years by that point and after going through IVF we were absolutely ecstatic to be pregnant. We really couldn’t have been happier. I lost the baby soon after finding out they were in my belly and I am still ridiculously grateful that it happened as early as it did. I honestly don’t know how people deal with it when it happens later on, when they have had positive scans, heard their baby’s heartbeat and felt it move. When they have to go through even more for it all to be over. And then of course it’s not really over is it. Their heart needs to mend if it possibly can.

I seem to feel a little bit differently about my miscarriage than everyone else. I have never heard or read anyone talking about it before, so I thought I would in case there is anyone else out there that might feel the same. It makes me feel like a bit of a horrible person when I think about how I feel compared to how others feel (or say they feel), but I know that I’m not.

My miscarriage was absolutely devastating; I cried non-stop for days and couldn’t believe we had gone through all the waiting and difficulties of IVF to end up losing our much longed-for baby. I was heartbroken. The thought of how I felt at the time, and the thought of telling my family I was pregnant and then shortly after that I probably wasn’t anymore (as in, the next day) still brings me to tears. It’s devastating. It was devastating.


I feel ok about it now. I am ok that it happened. If it didn’t happen then I wouldn’t have my incredible daughter now. I can’t feel like I wish it didn’t happen because then my daughter wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t have had these years with her or watched her grow into an amazing little person.

I know I would have a different child, and I would love them just as much and I wouldn’t know any different. But it happened, and I have my daughter, and I don’t ever wish that the miscarriage hadn’t happened. She is here, in my life, my precious little girl and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I feel like that little baby wasn’t meant to be mine or maybe be here. I am not totally sure what I believe in, but I do kind of feel like it was meant to be. Ava was meant to be mine. I was meant to be her mother, and I just can’t see it any other way.

Please don’t think I’m a horrible person. I was absolutely gutted when I lost my baby. It can still upset me now if I think about it too much. It’s a weird thing, feeling like it was all meant to be and yet wondering about what that baby would have been like. Whether they were a boy or a girl.

I read a quote someone had posted on Facebook that said to ask a woman who’d had a miscarriage “how old would your child be now?” and she’ll know. I don’t. I know the date I lost my baby and that is it. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a horrible and heartless person. I really don’t think that I am.

But I have moved on. It will always upset me if I think about it too much; you can’t go through that much pain without it leaving a lasting impression, I don’t think. But I am ok that it happened. I don’t think I see it as a negative thing. It feels pretty horrible to write that, but I see it as a part of my journey to get my daughter. She is in my life because my miscarriage happened. I can’t change that and I wouldn’t if I could.

I am not and never would suggest that anyone else who has lost a baby should feel this way. It is a completely personal thing, but it is also always devastating. This is just how I feel. I wanted to talk about it, like I said, in case anyone else feels a bit like this, and because I wanted to talk about it. I have wondered at times if I am the only one who feels like this, but I don’t think I will be. It’s a part of me and a part of my life. I will never forget it.

I do think things could and would be very different if I hadn’t become a mother since, as well as if the miscarriage had happened a lot later on. I can’t bear the thought of that. I feel like I was very lucky. How people manage to cope during something like that I don’t know, and I hope I never have to know.

I don’t talk about big emotional things very often on here, but I want to be able to just write if I feel like it, and I did tonight. It’s funny (or not) that actually writing this has made me more upset, and made the whole thing more real again. Maybe I’ve managed to successfully block the whole thing out and that’s why I feel the way I do. But I think it’s more that it doesn’t affect my everyday, except in a positive way. I spend my days with my amazing daughter and that is all that matters to me.

Miscarriage and Feeling Different

You don’t realise how many couples go through a miscarriage until it happens to you. I talk quite freely in real life about everything we have gone through, and almost every single person who I have spoken to about it has either gone through it themselves or knows someone who has. So many people I know have experienced a miscarriage. It is ridiculously common, and that’s a very sad fact. I guess we will all experience it differently, and feel differently about it afterwards, and that is ok.



  1. October 17, 2015 / 12:57 pm

    I actually understand where you are coming from. Having just experienced a miscarriage this week it’s all very raw to me but even now, as devsated as I am I realise and believe that it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s not our time. And I’m incredibly grateful and lucky to have my son. We all deal with things differently and all have our own beliefs. And it’s inspiring for me to read this, because life does and will go on. What’s meant to be will be. And that was the case for you and your gorgeous daughter xx

    • October 17, 2015 / 1:07 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I was a bit worried about posting this, especially after just reading your post. I’m glad it was inspiring for you to read at such a difficult time. I’m really sorry and I hope you are ok xx

  2. October 17, 2015 / 1:29 pm

    You are very brave and wonderful person. Great post.

    • October 17, 2015 / 1:31 pm

      Oh thank you so much! What a lovely thing to say đź’— x

  3. Mumtales
    October 17, 2015 / 3:53 pm

    I completely agree with you, I am very similar in my feelings toward my own (early) miscarriage. I was devastated when the pregnancy came to an end and was a bit quiet on what would have been the due date of that pregnancy but also accepted it wasn’t meant to be. Also agree that if it happens later in pregnancy it’s a totally different experience. But everyone needs to handle things in their own way, I have sometimes wondered if I was being heartless, but I’m not a heartless person and now know it’s just the way I cope with things. I can’t dwell on it too much as it would be too much to handle and make the whole situation worse. Mine was to move on, give my boy extra cuddles and try again (which thankfully has worked and now expecting again). Well done for speaking up, I often don’t talk about it for almost the fear of being judged for having moved on.

    • October 17, 2015 / 3:56 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment, and huge congratulations on your pregnancy! When are you due? xx

      • Mumtales
        October 17, 2015 / 3:59 pm

        Thanks, due in December so planning for a very busy month!! :-)

        • October 17, 2015 / 4:02 pm

          Oh wow, exciting! Ava was due on Christmas Day originally! But came in January. Hope it all goes really well xx

  4. October 17, 2015 / 4:00 pm

    What a brave post! I have never suffred a miscarriage for which I am truly grateful but I know people who have. My Mum suffered a miscarriage between me and my older sister and she has a unique view. Firstly she says that she takes comfort in the fact something was obviously wrong with the baby for nature to terminate it (I’ve never heard anyone else say that before). Secondly she said how do we know the miscarriage wasn’t me? That maybe my soul was waiting to be born but the body wasn’t ready so I just got put into the next one? Like I said it’s a unique view but something I think about from time to time….
    Tori Gabriel recently posted..Why Can’t My Daughter Like Thomas The Tank Engine?My Profile

    • October 17, 2015 / 4:19 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment. I have heard that said before actually; it’s something to think about. That’s really weird actually – this morning when I was reading through this post before I published it the exact same thought passed through my mind – that it could have been the same baby – I don’t know where that thought came from because I don’t think I’ve ever thought it before x

  5. October 17, 2015 / 4:54 pm

    I have always been a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and even though at the time of my miscarriages I couldn’t quite see the reason, when I had my subsequent children I realised that that was why my other babies didn’t make it into this world. I love that bloggers have made the subject more acceptable to talk about because when it happened to me I felt ever so alone! #love2blog
    chantelle hazelden recently posted..Alistair Grim’s Odditorium Book ReviewMy Profile

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:25 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment Chantelle. I generally feel like everything happens for a reason too. I am really glad you have your children now, but I’m sorry you had to go through the miscarriages x

  6. October 18, 2015 / 3:22 pm

    I think you have seen the “silver lining” to the rain cloud so to speak, not saying what you went through wasn’t devastating but to look at miscarriage as positively and bravely as you have takes amazing inner strength xx
    Laura @ Life with Baby Kicks recently posted..Month Six as a Family of FourMy Profile

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:29 pm

      Thank you so much. I don’t particularly feel like I’ve been strong, it’s just how I’ve felt about it. I’m sure it would be very different if I didn’t have my daughter xx

  7. October 18, 2015 / 3:25 pm

    These difficulties and trials are hard to go through but as you say you wouldn’t have your daughter now and i feel similar regarding my own difficulties. I regret being married to an abusive man in the past but so happy to have my wonderful child and she is the silver lining for me in my circumstance. Sorry for your experience but i happy you have your daughter! :)

    Angela at Daysinbed recently posted..The 50 States – Children’s Book ReviewMy Profile

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:35 pm

      Oh Angela, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad you got your daughter out of something so horrible. I hope you are ok. Thanks for your comment x

  8. October 18, 2015 / 3:40 pm

    You are so right, we all feel differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel, during, after and even long after it happens. We all experience it differently and we need to stop comparing and trying to find a “right way” to handle it. There is our way and it is ok. You are not a horrible person. Don’t feel guilty for how you feel. Just because you are at a place where you value the life you have right now, doesn’t take away from the baby you lost.

    I had two boys then lost 4 more, 3 of which were in the second trimester. It was not easy. There will always be a hole in my heart, but even 11 years after we lost the last one I can still cry when remembering the pain of the loss. However, my life is good. I am where I am suppose to be.

    Hugs to you and all women who have lost a baby at any time.
    Karen Grosz recently posted..Let Go and Take Control of Your HealthMy Profile

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:42 pm

      Thanks so much, that’s lovely of you to say. I know I’m not a horrible person really, I just felt a bit like it writing the words. I’m so, so sorry you had to go through all that, I can’t even imagine it. You sound like a really strong woman xx

  9. October 18, 2015 / 4:08 pm

    Such a brave post, thank you for sharing. I am very thankful that this is not something I have experienced, I know I am very lucky. However, knowing myself as I do, I suspect that I would feel much as you do. Like most things, there is no right or wrong way to feel, just the way that you do x #love2blog
    Sara | mumturnedmom recently posted..The Prompt: Week 88My Profile

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:45 pm

      Thanks so much for commenting Sara, and your kind words. You are right, there is no right or wrong way to feel – I think because no-one had talked about it before I felt a bit horrible saying it x

  10. October 18, 2015 / 7:55 pm

    This is a brave and very honest post, and I think the way a lot of other people feel but are afraid to say out loud. You can be sad for losing your baby without regretting it happened, and I think it’s a great message to others that you can get over this even if seems impossible at the time. Jodie xxx

    • October 18, 2015 / 8:48 pm

      Thank you Jodie. That’s a great way to think about it xx

  11. October 18, 2015 / 9:27 pm

    A totally honest and refreshing post & you’re not a horrible person! I know how you feel.. we lost lost three ‘babies’ last year.. one at 7 weeks, one at 4 weeks and then our son at 15 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, the first 2 were horrible, but I kind of got over them quite well and didn’t really think of them as ‘babies’ as they were so early. I still don’t ‘honour’ them now really on these dates of remembering.However, our late miscarriage at 15 weeks was even more so heartbreaking, I gave birth to our baby boy and he wasn’t alive. At the time, I remember thinking how it was so cruel to let me get to 15 weeks, why couldn’t it have happened early like the other two as it would have been easier to get over. I’m glad you looked at it positively, I am now 22 weeks with a baby girl and in a good place in terms of our losses. Great post!!
    Kerry recently posted..Wedding planning | Less than a year to go!My Profile

  12. October 18, 2015 / 9:28 pm

    This is a really wonderful and refreshing account of your feelings. I haven’t been through what you have, but I have lost young family members and been through my own fair share of upset. I am a great believer in looking forward to the future rather than dwelling on the past or the wonders of would could have been. Life can be so short & being grateful for what you have now and looking forward to the future will bring more happiness than dwelling on what could have beens. xx

  13. October 18, 2015 / 11:47 pm

    I’ve never experienced a miscarriage and I hope I never do. Everyone grieves differently. Brave, honest wnd encouraging. Although you went through a horrible time at first you wouldn’t have your beautiful girl right now. Might help others think of the future if they ever do experience miscarriage.
    Lovely post!
    Kellie Kearney recently posted..8 WeeksMy Profile

  14. October 19, 2015 / 10:31 am

    This is such a brave and honest post. I’m very lucky to have never had a miscarriage, I had bleeding throughout the initial stage of my pregnancy with Ava and had scans to check everything was still ok and the relief I felt when it was. I can’t imagine if it hadn’t. Like you though I am a great believer in things happening for a reason. x
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  15. October 19, 2015 / 1:20 pm

    A brave post. How you feel is relevant to you and you alone – please don’t worry about seeming a horrible person. The fact that you’re worried about that perception shows you’re not. No one else’s thoughts or opinions on your own personal experience matter xx
    Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted..Baby Loss Awareness Day: The Last LullabyMy Profile

  16. October 19, 2015 / 10:13 pm

    First of all thank you for your post, you are not a heartless person!
    Second of all I have to say that every one of us feel and believe different things. I wanted to write something regarding the baby loss awarance day on my blog but I don’t have the time I would like to do so….
    So I would like to add a comment with some of my thoughts. As a Buddhist I believe in reincarnation, I also believe in karma which is something huge and complecated thing to fully understand… So after I said that I have to add that I don’t have kids and I haven’t experienced any miscarriage or baby loss.
    But I believe that everything happens for a reason, a reason that we may not understand but there is a reason. To lose a baby it isn’t something simple and easy to overcome but as a Buddhist my belief is that a woman who loses a baby actually helps the baby to pay back some bad karma. Which means that the baby will born again in a better life. Also in spiritualism there is a belief that souls choose their parents, which means that if a woman has a miscarriage means that she is not suitable for this soul, maybe this soul should have better or worse parents or no parents at all in order to learn the lesson and pay bad or create good karma… So yes all women who lose babies are brave and actually they know it or not they help their babies, and that goes for the mothers too, because by having painful experiences we pay back bad karma. The way to go forward it is not to stay stuck in the past feeling sorry for the poor baby! They are not poor, They are brave souls who tried to get better lives(karma)… And also these souls are not ours, I read different mom blogs who had miscarriage or lost a baby and they talk about the baby as it was theirs like a doll or house or a job. I don’t belonge to my parents and my kids will not belong to me, I’ll be there to protect them and help them grow to be better human beings….I can’t control life, destiny, karma but I hope I’ll be able to teach them how to have a positive life and to overcome difficulties with a smile and love in their hearts…
    I’m probably sounds cold hearted or no hearted at all but that’s the way I chose to see things and this way makes me feel peace…
    So in conclusion every mother should be proud for helping a soul born or not. Every mother is brave just by decisiding to help a soul in their journey sort or long…. Sorry for my long comment and believe me I’m telling all these with good intention and love I don’t want to upset or insult anyone…

    Thank you again for sharing this post with us…
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  17. October 20, 2015 / 7:49 am

    I think it’s great you’ve spoken about this, as I’m sure there are people out there that feel the same. I honestly think things happen for a reason, and you should definitely not feel bad for how you feel :) xx
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  18. October 21, 2015 / 8:26 pm

    I do get where you’re coming from. Acceptance is supposed to be the final step of grieving and I think – for those of us lucky enough to go on to have a child – it’s natural for the loss to eventually have less power over us. Almost two years on, I’m still hit by grief now and then, but my six month old is so much more an important a part of my life. I was devastated by my miscarriage but I can’t imagine having had a different child.
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  19. October 22, 2015 / 8:45 am

    What a brave and honest post – I admire you so much for writing it and I hope it was therapeutic for you to say it ‘out loud’. I feel like a I really understand what you’re saying here – you’re acknowledging that the miscarriage happened and it was awful, but thankfully the story didn’t end there and you’ve come out the other side with a beautiful child who, as you say, wouldn’t have been here otherwise. It’s wonderfully uplifting and positive and I’m sure will inspire others who are going through, or have gone through, the same situation. Brilliant and thank you so so much for linking up x Mim x #ParentingPicks
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  20. October 22, 2015 / 2:53 pm

    I totally agree with you and find it odd when other’s try to have a voice for a whole plethora of different woman who lost their babies at completely different stages, 1 size does not fit all in these circumstances. I lost both mine around or before 12 weeks and at the time it was devastating as you say but it is not something I dwell on and I couldn’t even tell you the dates I just know it was before my son was born. So don’t fell bad for not feeling bad and so pleased you wrote this as I was feeling like an alien when I saw all these candles across social media for not feeling the same way – and that’s not to say anyone who does is wrong either, of course not. We are all different!
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  21. October 23, 2015 / 10:19 am

    You are definitely not alone. About a year ago I wrote down some of the things you talk about here. They’re sat in the notes on my iPhone and I don’t think I’ll ever publish them but I needed to write them. I had two early miscarriages in between my daughters. I was in bits inside but the worst of it passed and I was blessed with another baby. I will always think about what might have been but am so grateful for what I have now.. Thank you so much for sharing this X #parentingpicks
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  22. October 23, 2015 / 5:01 pm

    It has never happened to me but I agree with you. I feel like God has a plan. Maybe I’ll change my mind if it ever does happen to me. Thanks for sharing.
    Chantal recently posted..The Ultimate Baby RegistryMy Profile

  23. October 24, 2015 / 9:56 am

    I really appreciated reading this post today. 2 weeks ago I miscarried at 10 weeks with our second pregnancy (baby no 1 is now 11 months). I was so so disappointed, but I’m still hopeful that we’ll get another chance and grateful that we already have such a precious little guy. To be honest, after a few days of moping I felt ready get back to living my life but I didn’t know if it was ‘right’ to put my heartbreak aside so soon. I just didn’t want to dwell on what was lost, preferring to think instead about what I already have and might-have. I’m glad to read, in your post and your readers’ comments, that a whole range of reactions is ‘normal’. #parentingpicks
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  24. October 24, 2015 / 4:15 pm

    What a brave and honest and refreshing post. I think there are lots of people who feel like you do but are too afraid to admit it for fear of other people’s reactions. I applaud you for speaking out about it x

  25. October 27, 2015 / 2:44 pm

    What a moving post darling so heartfelt and brave to share your story. No one is juding you how you feel either I think it’s brave and strong of you to view your experience with miscarriage in your daughters eyes and be positive of the life you have with her. I am not saying you didn’t go through pain and loss but you picked yourself up from it and healed. That’s amazing. So many will find that very inspiring too. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again tomorrow for another great round up and hope you have been enjoying the blog hop. #sharewithme
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  26. October 27, 2015 / 8:33 pm

    You are so brave to post this. I am so happy that this horrible experience has left a big dark and painful hole. Of course it’s not as simple as that but you should be proud of yourself for healing in such a positive way. I had a loss that I was unaware of until I miscarried. That made it much easier to deal with as I had no attachement. I would have loved to have carried that baby as the father was the love of my life but I am so glad the at I didn’t, as despite everything that has heppened since, I wouldn’t have my little man and he’s worth everything. Thanks for linking to #featurefridays
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  27. October 30, 2015 / 8:47 pm

    I absolutely get where you are coming from. I had an early miscarriage at around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy and we’d only found out a few weeks before but I hadn’t been feeling right at all. It happened on honeymoon which was awful although it’s awful at any time really. But we believed it happened for a reason and if it hadn’t then our son wouldn’t be here.

  28. October 31, 2015 / 6:45 pm

    This is such a brave post to write but I am so glad you did. I got pregnant with Little Miss H very quickly after my first miscarriage and I honestly can’t imagine my life without her. She is our daughter and she was always meant to be here. But that means the first baby was never meant to be. It makes it easier to believe this. Since Little Miss was born I have had three more miscarriages and that is hard. Miscarriage and baby loss conjur up so many conflicting emotions. There is no right or wrong way to react. There is just the way you as a person react. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  29. November 20, 2015 / 11:22 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing Louise! It’s super difficult sharing a story like this. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago so its nice to know that other women and families are sharing their stories. I don’t have any children yet and its always so easy to let your mind go thinking that this is the end.

    BUT I know so many women (now that I’ve shared with them) who have also have multiple miscarriages but have also had 3-4 beautiful children so there is hope alas!
    Samantha L recently posted..Miscarriage: Signs, Symptoms & EncouragementMy Profile

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