2017 was most definitely one of the worst years of my life. A lot of shit things happened and it was generally pretty miserable and hard. The odd very wonderful thing happened too – I became an aunty again, and I was reminded how much my wonderful friends were always there for me.
I’ve decided this year is going to be different. I’m the biggest procrastinator in the world – I work hard but I’m just not good at getting on with things and getting shit done. I think part of it is rarely having the energy to get everything done as quickly as possible, and not getting up as early as I’d like. I never ever seem to feel well, and I’m going to look into that more this year.
I need to focus on me again for a little while. I’m not suggesting I’m going to put myself first all the time of course, I am a mother after all. But I do need to spend some time on looking after myself again, and getting back to a more confident and happy me. I lost myself and all of my confidence somewhere along the way last year and I’m determined to get it back, whatever this year brings.
I am fully not expecting this year to be easy, in fact I think it’s going to carry on being hard for a while yet. But I’m hoping if I can treat myself better and make myself a priority more often, then I can deal with any shit that life throws at me, better.
I plan on getting out of the house to exercise more again, whether that means joining a gym again or going to a class, or whatever. Exercising makes a big difference to how I feel, both mentally and physically, but actually taking some time away from the house and the people in it (no offence fam) is also really important. I don’t really get out that much on my own at the moment, and I feel like it made a big difference to me when I went to a class at the gym (especially yoga) the year before last. There’s a lovely swimming pool at my gym (that isn’t currently mine) that I’ve never used, but I’d really like to swim more, so if I join again I’m hoping to do that once a week or so.
The thing I struggle the most with, and which is probably the most important is having some earlier nights. I have all the best intentions every morning, when I feel like a piece of absolute shit, want to gauge my eyeballs out and hate myself a ridiculous amount for staying up so late (AGAIN) the night before – and decide that tonight will be the night I will act like a sensible person and go to bed at a less ungodly hour.
But then nighttime rolls around, I sit down later than I want to, am forced to drink wine and watch Netflix, and I take a big breath and realise it’s the only time I ever relax and I don’t want it to end. And so my time for slumber is put back by half an hour sixteen times, until it’s 1am (or worse) when I’m brushing my teeth.
I know it sounds stupid but I just don’t know how to make myself go at a decent time. I’m so determined sometimes, and then I just justify it to myself in the evening. I know that it would probably make a huge difference to my happiness, but in the moment I just can’t do it when I’m enjoying feeling more chilled and I want it to last longer. It’s a dirty habit and I’m going to keep working at it.
I know it is connected to everything else, but I really need to work on my self-confidence this year too. It has been absolutely destroyed for quite a while now, and I’ve had enough of it. I’m never completely comfortable in social situations anymore, unless I’m a bit tipsy, and it’s not a nice feeling. My friends and family love me and want to be around me, so I need to learn to love myself and be more comfortable with myself too.
So yeah, 2018 is going to be a year of me looking after myself more, practising more self-care and love, and taking some time to myself. I’m sick of feeling like I’m constantly chasing my tail, and I’m going to find ways to make myself stronger, more confident and happier again.
I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to do all of this yet; some things aren’t as clear cut as others, and it will all take time and effort. But to start with I’m going to have some early nights, ideally a few times a week, join the gym or a class, get out more with my friends in the evenings when I can, and really try and give myself a break. I’m worth it after all.