I Think It Might Be Time.

Not so long ago I wrote about having post-natal depression and how it had carried on into my present life. I talked about how it generally wasn’t that bad, there was just an edge there, and how I didn’t want to take medication for it, and never had done.

i think it might be time

It’s so much easier talking about something that is in the past, or that you are not going through right at the particular moment. It feels easier to talk about somehow; like you are not failing at life* at that particular moment, so it’s ok to admit to it. But right now I feel like I need to talk about it, to try and make a bit of sense about what is going on in my head. And maybe so those special people in my life can know what’s going on without me having to tell them. It makes me kind of feel a bit exposed though, talking about it whilst it is still going on, and a bit stupid. But we have to keep talking, don’t we?

I don’t really know what happened, but over the last couple of days I have been massively down. I think it possibly started on Friday with me being a bit hungover after being in London the day before. Alcohol doesn’t normally have that effect on me, but I think it probably had something to do with it this time.

Like I said, I’ve talked about having mild depression before, but there haven’t been many times over the years since becoming a mother that I have felt so horribly helpless, and that horrendous feeling of hopelessness, as I have done these last few days. It’s freaking awful. The days have dragged and I have done nothing but sit around and done the bare minimum to look after my daughter (she has of course been looked after properly – I would always ask for help if I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing that). The extent to which it has suddenly taken over me is terrifying. I am not this person. I have always been a generally positive, glass half full type of person. Not this lacklustre, crying, miserable sod. These times feeling so incredibly low and not knowing whether I will wake up tomorrow and feel ok again or not is absolutely horrendous. Just waiting. And hoping. It’s unbearable.

I have to remember it’s an illness. This is not who I am. Time will pass. It just doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I have emails and texts from friends to reply to, blog posts to write, and pictures to take and edit. I am completely disinterested in all of it. I cannot make myself take one minute to reply to a text, or email that PR. I am so grateful for the messages from the people that know though, they do help. And yet I can sit here, crying and writing this. But I just felt like I needed to. And yet I can’t decide whether or not to publish this or not, it feels like a bit too much. Too real, too personal, too honest.

Whilst feeling like this I start to think about how I feel in every day life, and how I feel like the edge has been off for a long time. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s kind of like how I feel if I’m not wearing my glasses or contact lens’ – the edges are all blurry and a bit of a haze. That is just how I feel normally, and have for a long time. But that is not normal. If I am out (or even really at home) then I am never completely relaxed, it doesn’t matter who I am with and how comfortable I am with them. I am very aware of everything around me. I feel like for a really long time when I have been out somewhere, doing something fun I haven’t completely enjoyed it even though it’s something that should be, and is kind of great. I never fully relax and enjoy myself, the edge is taken off.

I think it might be time. I can’t keep living my life this way. I kind of forget about it in the rush of day to day life and nursery runs, but then I’m reminded that it’s always there, and that it has been for a bloody long time.

I’ve been to the doctors about it before, I didn’t want to take medication, so she gave me some links for information I could look at online, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy type treatments that I could do online or ring somebody up and talk to them. Apart from a brief look at them years ago I haven’t ever gone back to them. I can’t make myself ring someone and talk to them, I don’t want to. When you feel like this you lack the motivation to do anything, let alone make yourself ring up a stranger and tell them how you feel. I wish I had been able to do it. I’d hoped that I’d be able to help myself get back to normal by exercising and being healthier, but it hasn’t been enough and I need to stop ignoring it.

I desperately didn’t want to take medication and I still don’t really, but I think I might have to. I don’t want to get through this little episode and just forget about it again as I have for years, ignoring the bit that’s missing of me; the happy, positive person, who is able to relax and stop worrying about what I look like for a bit, to stop being so aware of everything and just have fun and try to live in the moment. I know that’s hard for everyone in the modern world to do, to live in the moment, but I shouldn’t feel like this. Of course a doctor may not think taking something is right for me, but I’ll at least be speaking to someone again.

I am going to do something about it this time. Can you imagine if I get to seventy (fingers crossed!) and look at how I’ve wasted my life because I didn’t do something about it at 31? It’s unimaginable.

I’m really scared, but I have great people who love me, around me. And for those people who care about me – I’m not normally like this. It’s not that I’ve been really good at hiding it, it normally just affects me a bit; it’s just been a very bad few days. I’m ok.

* I certainly don’t think anyone who has depression is failing at life, in any way at all. It just feels like I am when I am going through it.


  1. mel
    29th February 2016 / 8:32 am

    Sorry you are going through a tough time. You are a brilliant mum and I always find your posts so inspirational. Big hugs. Xx

  2. 29th February 2016 / 9:25 am

    This is very brave of you. And of course we are here when you need.

    • 2nd March 2016 / 3:22 pm

      Thanks so much lovely. And I know, you’re all awesome xx

  3. 29th February 2016 / 10:14 am

    Bless you lovely. I know exactly how you feel. I started taking antidepressants in November and although they haven’t resulted in a miraculous recovery, things are certainly better. I felt like a bit of a fake for taking them because I was never sure whether I was ‘depressed’ enough to warrant taking them, but seeing the effect they’ve had, I know I was. I wish I could wave a magic wand to help make you feel better, but if it’s any help I think you’re doing the right thing asking for help. I certainly don’t regret getting a prescription in any way and I was initially sceptical, as you are now. They do make you feel weird and anxious for a short while, but that does wear off. Good luck lovely xxxx
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    • 2nd March 2016 / 9:12 pm

      Thank you lovely. It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through it (I know you’ve mentioned it before), and I’m glad things are better for you now. I hope things continue to improve for you. I have been to the doctors now so hopefully things will start to get better! Thanks so much for sharing and I really appreciate you being there xxx

  4. Zara
    29th February 2016 / 10:21 am

    This post is a) super brave and b) makes me so proud that I have a friend like you who is facing things head on. CBT can work, and it has worked for a few people I know. You are right when you say ignoring it won’t make it go away. The medication and therapy helps millions of people every day begin to move on from the point where they can no longer continue with feeling the way you do now. I can’t say it is a magic cure, because we both know I’d be lying. What I can say, and what I mean is – with a great support network and the right course of action (that you choose and are happy with), it won’t be this bad forever. It goes without saying, really, but I know I speak for all of us when I say – we are always here. Always.
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    • 2nd March 2016 / 11:11 pm

      Aaah, you are so lovely Zara, thank you. I don’t really feel brave, I just felt like writing. This made me cry. I do have an amazing support network, and that includes you lot – for which I’m eternally grateful for. The lovely thing is, I do know you are all always there, so thank you xxx

    • 2nd March 2016 / 11:21 pm

      Thanks so much Maria. You are all wonderful and I’m very grateful that I have you. I’ve made the first step now so that’s something! I’m glad that CBT helped your sister xxx

  5. 29th February 2016 / 4:23 pm

    You have just written exactly how I have been feeling since having Ava. I have bad weeks and then forget about them until another one comes along but I’m never totally relaxed and normal inbetween. Such a brace post. I hope you feel better soon xx

    • 2nd March 2016 / 11:27 pm

      Thank you. Oh I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s so hard – when you’re not feeling good it’s hard to do anything about it, and then when you feel a bit better you just try to get on with things, don’t you? I hope you feel much better soon xx

  6. 29th February 2016 / 5:02 pm

    A really brave and honest post, unfortunately far too many people dont ask for the help they need and hopefully with your honesty others will take the leap of faith. Let the people who love and care for you help and do what they can to be there for you xx

    • 3rd March 2016 / 12:37 pm

      Thank you Kate. I hope so. I am doing, and they’re all being amazing :) xx

  7. 29th February 2016 / 5:53 pm

    A really honest and brave post lovely, and one that I am so glad that you shared with us. You are facing it with an amazing attitude, and that goes a long way. Hopefully your post and openness will encourage other people who maybe need that extra tiny bit of courage to go and seek help to do it. You know where we all are if and when you need anything. Love you Lou!! xxx

    • 3rd March 2016 / 12:44 pm

      Thanks so much Rachel! That would be great if it helped anyone else to seek help. I do, thank you – you are all bloody brilliant. Love you too! xxx

  8. 1st March 2016 / 6:27 pm

    Big hugs huni. I am still going through this and have been on medication for 2.5 years. It still helps and I certainly notice the difference if I stop taking them! I know you will feel better, it isn’t your choice to feel as you do but there is definitely help out there for you xx

    • 3rd March 2016 / 1:02 pm

      Thanks so much Aby. Really sorry you are going through it too, and I’m glad medication is helping you. It’s crazy how many people you find out are dealing with something similar when you start to talk about it, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing lovely xx

  9. Annie
    24th July 2016 / 4:49 pm

    My GP referred me for “talking therapies” and the key was the service then got in touch with me, to set the ball rolling, rather than the ball being in my court. If it was I would have done nothing except become worse. (just relaised how many balls are in that lot!).
    Once started it was useful, and circumstances meant my 8 allotted sessions spread over about 6 months. After that I felt a little adrift though, and recently (18 months on) i feel i could use it again, but you don’t get a second go. However there are notes and techniques learnt from first treatment that may help me and at least this time I recognise it. Good luck!

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