I haven’t really been myself this year and I’m very aware of it. After losing my baby earlier in the year I got very low and I feel like I just kept spiralling further and further down. Things have just seemed to get harder and harder all year. I’ve been worried about my health and had check-ups that haven’t gone so well, and there have been some personal things going on that have just been so hard to deal with on top of everything.
I’ve had enough, thank you 2017.
But I’m hoping that things are starting to improve now, finally. I say hope; I’m working my bloody ass off to make them better. Life is hard, relationships are hard, and we have to remember that we have to work at it all to keep it going, and to keep it healthy. Just like we do ourselves. I’ve put a bit of weight on this year, not a lot, but enough to take me further into the depths of depression. I should be able to forgive myself for it after the year I’ve had, but the truth of it is, I feel so much better about myself when I’m slim and more toned – if I look better, I feel better, and I can’t help that. So I’m working on it.
I’m working on everything, and I’m starting to feel much more positive. School has just started, and so I can get organised again, work hard on the blog and hopefully be proud of the work I do on it. I like making my own money; I’m no Zoella, but it’s not pocket money either, and I want to make the most of it and the opportunities that come my way whilst I can, and hopefully work hard to try and grow my blog further. I love that I can come here and write my thoughts down, and share them. I don’t know why, but I do.
I’ve been exercising again for a few weeks now, more seriously for the last two, and for the first time in my life I’m watching what I eat as well as cutting down on the wine. Exercise isn’t quite enough this time, so whilst I’m not counting every calorie or depriving myself of any red wine at all, I am being more careful, and thinking about what I put in my mouth (!!). It absolutely sucks, but I think it’s necessary this time. I don’t want to calorie count because I think that would just drive me insane and I just don’t want to get into that frame of mind, where I’m permanently questioning everything I eat and drink. I love food and wine, and it’s a big part of my life that I enjoy very much, but feeling good about myself, or not, affects everything else, so I need to suck it up for a little while, and stay focused on my goal.
Healthwise, we’re back to just regular checkups and nothing more at the moment, so I’m trying not to let that worry me. The cysts on my ovary are always there, but it doesn’t mean they’ll become anything bad, and they are monitored regularly, so I’m going to keep on living my life normally (not that there’s any other option!) and stay positive about that as much as possible.
I want another baby, as soon as possible really; I’m desperate to have another baby. But I’m not quite ready yet. I feel like right now I’m not strong enough to cope if anything bad happened again, so however hard it is, I need to give myself time to get stronger again first. It’s hard thinking about how pregnant I’d be now, and how different our Christmas would have been to how it will be now, but I’m grateful for all I’ve got. Plus I’m getting a gorgeous new nephew soon, so I can spoil him with all my love.
Things are starting to look up again, and I’m beginning to feel more positive about life and the future, and I’m trying my best to live in the moment as much as possible.
I want me back, and I’m trying my damnedest to get there.