Infertility, IVF and Frozen Embryos

I always thought that by the time my first child was two years old I would be having another baby. I always wanted my children to be quite close in age as I thought it would be lovely for them and they would be more likely to be close.

The Little Cub

However, once I finally had that first baby along with all of those (very) sleepless nights, and all the challenges that came along with it, as well as a bit of a tough pregnancy, there was no way we were going to have another baby that quickly.

I always think that people who have two children very close together must have had a sleeper the first time, or maybe parenting just comes a lot easier to them than to me. But I don’t think I could have coped with a new baby during the stages of utter exhaustion.

Now that Ava is three, I have started to think more and more about having another child, and although it still scares the hell out of me as does the thought of going through pregnancy again, I feel like I am almost ready to have another baby. And I’m broody as hell too, but then I always am.

We’re getting married in July so it won’t be anytime soon, but I have been thinking about it more. If you have read ‘My Infertility Story’ then you will know that it took us four years, two rounds of IVF, numerous operations, as well as an early miscarriage to get our daughter. Chances are we won’t get pregnant by ourselves again, but of course we will try first of all; we just wouldn’t give it too long to get pregnant naturally as it will probably just be wasted time.

The thing is though, we could get pregnant naturally this time. People are always telling me about people who struggled with their first child but then got pregnant easily with the second. And of course that would be great. IVF is a very difficult thing to go through, both physically and emotionally and I wouldn’t choose to go through it if I didn’t have to. I don’t think….

After our second round of IVF we had two embryos that we didn’t use and so they were frozen. So that isn’t just a frozen egg or sperm from us, it is an egg and a sperm from us that have come together, and fertilised, to make an embryo; a potential baby.

I have slightly struggled over the years with the idea that these embryos of ours may never get used. Obviously even if we did use them for IVF they may not work and I may not get pregnant with either of them. But then I feel that that would be my body controlling that and more natural (ha! like there is so much that is natural about all of this!), like natural selection I suppose rather than having these potential future babies in a freezer somewhere. It’s all very weird when I think about it; a future child of mine that I could be one day holding in my arms could be waiting for us in a freezer in hospital. And of course, one of them could get me pregnant and the other may not, but again that would be up to my body and the embryo.

I just don’t like the thought that these embryos of ours may never get used, and what if one or both of them are supposed to be our children? I know that probably all sounds silly after having IVF, which is obviously very controlled and not at all natural, but this is how I feel. I think it is because it is embryos we have frozen, rather than eggs or sperm, so it has already eliminated the part where the egg and sperm have to find each other in my body; they have already come together to start making a baby.

This is all probably a bit rambly, and chances are we will have to have IVF again anyway so none of this will be relevant, but I just wanted to write down how I have been feeling.

Whether it is natural or not; IVF is an incredible, incredible thing that I am eternally grateful for. My daughter wouldn’t be here without it and I find that too overwhelming to think about too much.

(As I was writing this post a letter came through the door from our Fertility Clinic telling us that they have moved location, and therefore so have our special embryos – how weird is that?!)

 

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11 Comments

  1. 6th April 2015 / 6:58 pm

    I haven’t really mentioned the frustration of getting pregnant on my own blog, but i am now pregnant with my second child, and nothing about getting here was easy. My daughter is almost 5, and she was a complete surprise! It’s astounding to think about how she came to us, after trying for over 2 years to get pregnant this time! We ended up doing 2 rounds of ivf, and looking back, i wish i would have done it sooner. At least if you have to go through it again, you hopefully won’t have to deal with egg retrieval…that was the worst part in my opinion. I also feel pretty weird about my embryos just hanging out in a freezer, waiting for us to decide if we’ll ever want to use them. I think I have 5, and no plans to have more children after this guy in my belly. It’s all so frustrating and emotional, I really hope the second time is easier for you. You’re very brave for speaking so publicly about it!

  2. 8th April 2015 / 11:16 am

    My middle child was conceived through IvF and then in a second marriage the last one was a surprise. The only thing I can say is life is strange. Really strange and whatever and whenever you decide it will be right for you. #sharewithme
    Mariet – Practicingnormal recently posted..Always Love your StepmomMy Profile

  3. 8th April 2015 / 2:32 pm

    I’m totally with you on this — I will be eternally grateful for this amazing, magical technology that enableD my boy and me to have our babies.

    I totally echo your last sentence — I just can’t IMAGINE how my lfe would have turned out, without it. I can’t bear to think about it! #ShareWithMe

    Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted..The Twinterview | Hayley from the blog ‘Hayley From Home’My Profile

  4. 8th April 2015 / 9:11 pm

    I Try not to take it for granted that i got pregnant so easily with my daughter, and forget sometimes that it may take a while the next time. Every child really is a miracle and i wish you lUck in your next attemPt! #sharewithme

    Carolyn
    http://stylishmemories.com
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  5. 9th April 2015 / 4:16 pm

    Such an honest post. Thanks for sharing. I was thinking of having another child so that my son wont be alone in the future & i think that 2 is the right number for me. But i am old. now and I can only wonder how to have another child and of course ivf is an option and I am thankful for that. #sharewithme 
    Merlinda Little ( @pixiedusk) recently posted..Cease The Sunshiny DayMy Profile

  6. 9th April 2015 / 9:57 pm

    I definitely think I’d be thinking the same as you are. Science is such a wonderful but weird thing. I can totally see where you are coming from. I hope that whenever and however it happens, you get your so wanted second child :) Thanks so much for linking up with #twinklytuesday
    Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted..One of those mornings!My Profile

  7. 10th April 2015 / 11:28 am

    Firstly, how gorgeous is that top photo of you little girl! Just perfection. As for the infertility side of this post, I cannot relate personally but my cousin could. Watching her and her husband struggle to conceive their first child was a tough ride, but they got blessed. I hope you guys get the second little bundle you wish for, I truly do! x
    Debs @ Super Busy Mum recently posted..Our Easter!My Profile

  8. 10th April 2015 / 8:50 pm

    Yes while it may be weird thinking or saying that with ivf because its’ not natural I still think I would feel the same way as you do about potential babies being in the freeze and wanting my body to be the one that chooses whether they become your children or not. Great post hun. I do think the same about all that. three years is a great age gap too. Mine are 20 some months apart but like you said we have good sleepers so it was easy. lol Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. Have a great weekend. #sharewithme
    jenny recently posted..Clean eating, swim towels and a new firepit #littlelovesMy Profile

  9. 25th April 2015 / 3:34 am

    MY SON IS ALSO 3 AND HAVING ANOTHER ONE STILL FREAKS ME OUT. i HAD POSTNATAL DEPRESSION FOR AND IT WENT A LONG TIME UNDIAGNOSED. i’VE ALSO HAD 3 MISCARRIAGES AND i AM SCARED ABOUT GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. I TOO THOUGHT IT’D BE NICE TO HAVE CHILDREN CLOSE TOGETHER, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE CHILDREN AND NOW i JUST THINK THAT IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN WE AND MY BODY ARE READY. I HAVE NEVER GONE THROUGH IVF BUT I RECKON I’D FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU IN TERMS OF ‘WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE EMBRYOS’ THEY ARE PART OF YOU AND THEY DO HAVE A POTENTIAL FUTURE SO TO THINK THE WAY YOU ARE IS QUITE NORMAL.
    Eva @ The Multitasking Mummy recently posted..I Forgot What Weekends Were Like #MummyMondaysMy Profile

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