I always thought that by the time my first child was two years old I would be having another baby. I always wanted my children to be quite close in age as I thought it would be lovely for them and they would be more likely to be close.
However, once I finally had that first baby along with all of those (very) sleepless nights, and all the challenges that came along with it, as well as a bit of a tough pregnancy, there was no way we were going to have another baby that quickly.
I always think that people who have two children very close together must have had a sleeper the first time, or maybe parenting just comes a lot easier to them than to me. But I don’t think I could have coped with a new baby during the stages of utter exhaustion.
Now that Ava is three, I have started to think more and more about having another child, and although it still scares the hell out of me as does the thought of going through pregnancy again, I feel like I am almost ready to have another baby. And I’m broody as hell too, but then I always am.
We’re getting married in July so it won’t be anytime soon, but I have been thinking about it more. If you have read ‘My Infertility Story’ then you will know that it took us four years, two rounds of IVF, numerous operations, as well as an early miscarriage to get our daughter. Chances are we won’t get pregnant by ourselves again, but of course we will try first of all; we just wouldn’t give it too long to get pregnant naturally as it will probably just be wasted time.
The thing is though, we could get pregnant naturally this time. People are always telling me about people who struggled with their first child but then got pregnant easily with the second. And of course that would be great. IVF is a very difficult thing to go through, both physically and emotionally and I wouldn’t choose to go through it if I didn’t have to. I don’t think….
After our second round of IVF we had two embryos that we didn’t use and so they were frozen. So that isn’t just a frozen egg or sperm from us, it is an egg and a sperm from us that have come together, and fertilised, to make an embryo; a potential baby.
I have slightly struggled over the years with the idea that these embryos of ours may never get used. Obviously even if we did use them for IVF they may not work and I may not get pregnant with either of them. But then I feel that that would be my body controlling that and more natural (ha! like there is so much that is natural about all of this!), like natural selection I suppose rather than having these potential future babies in a freezer somewhere. It’s all very weird when I think about it; a future child of mine that I could be one day holding in my arms could be waiting for us in a freezer in hospital. And of course, one of them could get me pregnant and the other may not, but again that would be up to my body and the embryo.
I just don’t like the thought that these embryos of ours may never get used, and what if one or both of them are supposed to be our children? I know that probably all sounds silly after having IVF, which is obviously very controlled and not at all natural, but this is how I feel. I think it is because it is embryos we have frozen, rather than eggs or sperm, so it has already eliminated the part where the egg and sperm have to find each other in my body; they have already come together to start making a baby.
This is all probably a bit rambly, and chances are we will have to have IVF again anyway so none of this will be relevant, but I just wanted to write down how I have been feeling.
Whether it is natural or not; IVF is an incredible, incredible thing that I am eternally grateful for. My daughter wouldn’t be here without it and I find that too overwhelming to think about too much.
(As I was writing this post a letter came through the door from our Fertility Clinic telling us that they have moved location, and therefore so have our special embryos – how weird is that?!)
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