On Saturday it was my little girls fourth birthday. I absolutely cannot believe that I could possibly have had four years as a mum already. For some reason, four years seems so much longer than three, and she seems so much older suddenly. I think it’s because my little girl is growing up, she will start school this year, and we won’t have every day together like we have since she was born.
It’s one of those weird things where I can’t remember what it was like, or what I was like before I became a mother. I can’t even slightly imagine not being responsible for someone else, or putting my needs before someone else’s all the time now. But at the same time it also feels like it has flown by. I don’t really feel old enough to have a four year old, which is obviously complete nonsense, but I think it’s because my friends only started to have babies this year. Also, I still don’t really feel like an adult and so can’t possibly have a FOUR year old! I always wonder when I’ll actually feel like an adult; I thought it would be when I became a mum, but nope, still waiting. I often still think I’m in my twenties for some stupid reason. Time just goes so bloody fast though!
I guess I’ve grown as a mother in the four years I’ve been one. Right now I’m so tired after a bout of poorliness that I feel like I’m back where I started – being an overtired, disorganised mess, in my pyjamas all day. But really I know I have grown. I’m much more comfortable with all babies now, I can hold them, entertain them, change them, keep them safe and have even managed to look after a couple on my own at the same time as Ava. I know I can do it now, which makes the thought of having a newborn again one day not too scary (apart from the intense lack of sleep – that’s terrifying).
I’m one of those people who never feel good enough, so I’ll probably never think I’m the best mum, or doing as good a job as I should be doing. But my wonderful little girl is happy, healthy, lovely, kind, caring, polite and massively loved, so I can’t be doing too badly I suppose.
I’m so proud to be her mum, and she seems to love me rather a lot. This past four years seems to have flown by, and it makes me a bit sad, but at the same time I can’t wait to see what the next few years bring, and to watch her start school (waaaaahhhhh), and grow up even more into an amazing little person (well, she already is that, but, you know). I think she’ll take school in her stride, she already loves nursery and spending time with her friends, it’s me that I think will struggle. The school run twice a day every day is not at all appealing, but more than that, my little friend who I have spent almost every day with for the last four years will not be with me during the day every day. It’ll be great in some ways but I’m feeling pretty sad about it too. Four years old just doesn’t seem old enough to go to school!
I’m so happy that I get to be her mother and can’t wait for the next four years, and more, to see what they bring. It can all slow down before we get to the teenage years though – they frighten the life out of me!