I’ve been struggling quite a bit over the last few weeks. My head has been going a bit crazy when I thought I’d be okay with it all. I was okay last time. But I’m really not okay and it’s made it even harder because I wasn’t expecting to feel like this.
In a couple of weeks I should have been having my baby.
Instead I’m sitting here, with a hurting heart and only thoughts of what could be.
I’d imagined my first Christmas with my two babies with me, and my heart full. I’d thought about how we would have a couple of weeks to settle down before the madness of Christmas came upon us, and then spend time with family, full of happiness and love for the new life in my arms. Getting to witness Ava being the big sister she so longs to be.
My baby would have had a cousin only a month younger than them, and I’d pictured them growing up together, so close in age. I’d pictured two boys playing together and being thick as thieves.
That’s made it a lot harder – I absolutely adore my new nephew; he is wonderful and amazing and I adore spending time with him and cradling him in my arms. I’m so, so happy he’s here. But my god it’s made it so much more real for me that my baby isn’t going to be here soon.
I should have had my baby in my arms soon. There is a physical ache within me and it makes me want to scream, and shout and break things. It feels harder because I wasn’t expecting to feel like this, not still hurting this much.
I think last time when I had a miscarriage, by the time the due date rolled around I was having IVF again, in fact I think I was already pregnant with A. Plus it was a slightly earlier loss, and the godawful physical effects weren’t as strong as they were this time.
Some of my wonderful friends knew that I would feel like this, even before I did. Their love and support helps and I’m so grateful for them and all of the amazing people in my life who love and care about me. But it’s not enough right now. I don’t feel like talking most of the time. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, because I’m really not. I’m just fucked off with life right now, and I’m just trying to focus on getting through it. This has been a horrible year for so many reasons, and I’ve had enough. It just seems to keep getting worse.
I’m still aware that I’m very lucky though, I know that. I just can’t deny how I’m currently feeling. I’m in a pretty shit place right now, but I know I’ll be alright. I do reckon I’m owed a pretty decent 2018 though!