Years ago, before I had my daughter I used to get so jealous when I heard about someone else being pregnant. Whether it was a celebrity, someone I actually knew, or a randomner on the street, I was insanely jealous, but more than that it hurt like a bitch.
We tried to have a baby for four years and had two rounds of IVF to get our daughter, and throughout all of that time (and probably before that – I was always a broody bugger) I was really drawn to pregnant women. I’ve always thought pregnant women were beautiful and I love seeing them, they always just seem so special and amazing. But there was always this mix of thinking how wonderful it was, and at the same time being incredibly upset that I wasn’t in the same position as them. And of course when I was trying for a baby, pregnant women were freaking everywhere.
The thing is though, I still get a bit upset when I hear someone is pregnant, particularly when it is someone close to me. It’s completely daft, and my overwhelming feeling is happiness for them, but it always, always hurts when I find out someone is pregnant. I’m jealous, and I feel slightly funny for a bit. And then feel like a bitch for feeling like that. I guess it’s just a lingering feeling from automatically feeling that way for so long, and trying to have a baby being such a big part of my life, but it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to go away.
The stupid thing is I have been ridiculously happy for my friends who have got pregnant, like, so, so delighted for them. And I have wanted my friends to have babies since having Ava (it has taken them a LONG time!); I literally longed for the days when my friends would start making the babies. So how can I be so overwhelmingly happy about something, and yet still be a tiny bit upset? It’s bloody silly, and pretty frustrating. I *just* want to feel happy for them, not happiness tinged with a bit of selfish nonsensical sadness.
And now we may potentially have IVF again this year, and it’s become a PREGNANT PEOPLE AND BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE scenario again. I’m happy for every single one of them (especially my amazing friends) but I’m also desperately jealous and want my own newborn in my arms right this second please.
It’s such a weird thing. I hope that once I decide my family is complete that I stop feeling this way, and can just be happy for people again, because I really am SO happy for them. But until then I suppose I just have to accept that this is how I feel, it’s probably completely natural (is it?) and I just have to deal with it when it happens.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? Can you tell me I’m not alone in this?!
(If you’re my friend and have recently had a baby and/or are pregnant ;) I promise promise promise I was and am ridiculously happy for you, and I am not a total c***a**. And I love you, and your baby. And I can’t wait to snuggle them.)