On Thursday it was Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day. Facebook was filled with pictures of candles that people had lit in honour of the babies that have gone too soon.
Before I had my three year old daughter I got pregnant after having my first round of IVF. We had been trying to have a baby for four years by that point and after going through IVF we were absolutely ecstatic to be pregnant. We really couldn’t have been happier. I lost the baby soon after finding out they were in my belly and I am still ridiculously grateful that it happened as early as it did. I honestly don’t know how people deal with it when it happens later on, when they have had positive scans, heard their baby’s heartbeat and felt it move. When they have to go through even more for it all to be over. And then of course it’s not really over is it. Their heart needs to mend if it possibly can.
I seem to feel a little bit differently about my miscarriage than everyone else. I have never heard or read anyone talking about it before, so I thought I would in case there is anyone else out there that might feel the same. It makes me feel like a bit of a horrible person when I think about how I feel compared to how others feel (or say they feel), but I know that I’m not.
My miscarriage was absolutely devastating; I cried non-stop for days and couldn’t believe we had gone through all the waiting and difficulties of IVF to end up losing our much longed-for baby. I was heartbroken. The thought of how I felt at the time, and the thought of telling my family I was pregnant and then shortly after that I probably wasn’t anymore (as in, the next day) still brings me to tears. It’s devastating. It was devastating.
I feel ok about it now. I am ok that it happened. If it didn’t happen then I wouldn’t have my incredible daughter now. I can’t feel like I wish it didn’t happen because then my daughter wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t have had these years with her or watched her grow into an amazing little person.
I know I would have a different child, and I would love them just as much and I wouldn’t know any different. But it happened, and I have my daughter, and I don’t ever wish that the miscarriage hadn’t happened. She is here, in my life, my precious little girl and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I feel like that little baby wasn’t meant to be mine or maybe be here. I am not totally sure what I believe in, but I do kind of feel like it was meant to be. Ava was meant to be mine. I was meant to be her mother, and I just can’t see it any other way.
Please don’t think I’m a horrible person. I was absolutely gutted when I lost my baby. It can still upset me now if I think about it too much. It’s a weird thing, feeling like it was all meant to be and yet wondering about what that baby would have been like. Whether they were a boy or a girl.
I read a quote someone had posted on Facebook that said to ask a woman who’d had a miscarriage “how old would your child be now?” and she’ll know. I don’t. I know the date I lost my baby and that is it. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a horrible and heartless person. I really don’t think that I am.
But I have moved on. It will always upset me if I think about it too much; you can’t go through that much pain without it leaving a lasting impression, I don’t think. But I am ok that it happened. I don’t think I see it as a negative thing. It feels pretty horrible to write that, but I see it as a part of my journey to get my daughter. She is in my life because my miscarriage happened. I can’t change that and I wouldn’t if I could.
I am not and never would suggest that anyone else who has lost a baby should feel this way. It is a completely personal thing, but it is also always devastating. This is just how I feel. I wanted to talk about it, like I said, in case anyone else feels a bit like this, and because I wanted to talk about it. I have wondered at times if I am the only one who feels like this, but I don’t think I will be. It’s a part of me and a part of my life. I will never forget it.
I do think things could and would be very different if I hadn’t become a mother since, as well as if the miscarriage had happened a lot later on. I can’t bear the thought of that. I feel like I was very lucky. How people manage to cope during something like that I don’t know, and I hope I never have to know.
I don’t talk about big emotional things very often on here, but I want to be able to just write if I feel like it, and I did tonight. It’s funny (or not) that actually writing this has made me more upset, and made the whole thing more real again. Maybe I’ve managed to successfully block the whole thing out and that’s why I feel the way I do. But I think it’s more that it doesn’t affect my everyday, except in a positive way. I spend my days with my amazing daughter and that is all that matters to me.
You don’t realise how many couples go through a miscarriage until it happens to you. I talk quite freely in real life about everything we have gone through, and almost every single person who I have spoken to about it has either gone through it themselves or knows someone who has. So many people I know have experienced a miscarriage. It is ridiculously common, and that’s a very sad fact. I guess we will all experience it differently, and feel differently about it afterwards, and that is ok.